The Dangers of Mr. Good Guy
I got “I Am Enough” tattooed on my shoulder to remind myself not to let the “good guy” break me down…again.
We were in the “talking” stage for 4 years. I wondered whether or not I even deserved to move up the ranks in his life. After moving to a city that I despise just to be closer to him, after showering him with my dedication and affection and receiving damn near nothing in return, I questioned my worthiness every day, but I still stayed. Why? Because he’s a good guy.
We all know who the “good guy” is. He checks off the boxes. Good guys don’t cheat, good guys aren’t physically abusive, good guys have a decent job, good guys are responsible, and good guys are virtually drama-free.
I had to realize that just because a man is a good guy, in general, doesn’t mean he’s good for ME.
This realization and the courage to move on was an uphill battle that required me to let go of years of effort, feelings of failure, and my own insecurities.
When I first met Mr. Good Guy, I thought it was destiny. I was 20 years old and searching for companionship when he crossed my path. He was funny, fine, tall, and in the right place at the right time. We worked for the same summer program but at different locations. We had brief exchanges during a city-wide training and even though I was crushing, nothing really came from those initial interactions. Training ended and we went our separate ways.
Coincidentally, program enrollment happened to be very low that year, so the organization decided to evenly disperse the staff by moving some people around. I volunteered because I didn’t mind switching gears. I had no idea where I was heading, though.
I pulled up to my new site and Mr. Good Guy was the first face that greeted me. There he was — smiling, being goofy, and looking like my future husband. It had to be fate. We spent the summer just flirting with one another until he finally asked me on a date at the very end (had me on edge, ok?!). Just like I imagined, it was perfect. He was charming, a gentleman, and we had fun together. I knew we were on to something special.
We kept talking even when we went back to our respective colleges. We text all day every day and I couldn’t wait for school breaks to roll around so I could go see him. It was the companionship I’d been wanting for years and I was beyond confident that we’d get married one day. This path continued for two years until I graduated from undergrad. Our opportunity to grow and thrive together finally arrived…or so I thought.
I decided to go to grad school closer to home. Me being a hopeless romantic, I conveniently picked a school in the city where he lived because it wasn’t far from my hometown and I could have dedicated face-to-face time with him. I packed up my stuff and headed in his direction.
I moved there with the expectation that our quality time would be on point! I expected us to be road dogs — exploring the city, going on romantic escapades, and kickin’ it with each other nonstop. I was extremely mistaken.
I saw him about once a week and, for the most part, we only went on dates that I initiated. I’d been talking to him for years by that time and I’d only met one of his close friends (and that’s only because we worked together). Despite not feeling completely filled by our relationship, I stuck around because I didn’t think I had a deep enough reason to leave.
If he wasn’t overtly treating me badly, why would I walk away? I know what a real broken relationship looks like and what we had simply wasn’t that bad.
But just because he wasn’t deeply hurting me, didn’t mean he was caring for me.
After years of begging him to love me the way I wanted to be loved, my overwhelming feelings of inadequacy showed me just how deeply I’d been cut by his inaction.
I told myself, “Anybody who can bring you that low for that long, whether intentionally or not, is not for you!”
I was trying to prove myself to somebody that was a mismatch from the beginning. I knew it, but I still tried to fit a square peg into a round hole — whittling myself down to fit into his life instead of exploring other options. I wanted companionship so badly that I willingly overlooked the glaring differences between us.
Mr. Good Guy’s appeal was my downfall. I was attracted to the fact that he was kind and chill. I trusted that he wouldn’t be running the streets trying to play me. I greatly enjoyed his company. However, it’s not “kind” to invalidate my desires. Yes, I trusted he wouldn’t cheat, but I couldn’t trust him with my emotions or my thoughts because our opinions on life didn’t align. While I enjoyed his company, the depth of conversation and vulnerability just wasn’t there.
I wanted a partner but was settling for the simplest form of companionship possible. We laughed, we chilled, we went out sometimes, and that’s pretty much it. That’s not a fulfilling relationship.
After coming to terms with this reality, I decided to end whatever it was we had. Before walking away, we engaged in the most honest conversation we’d ever had as I explained why I was leaving. We came to the conclusion that it was Mr. Good Guy who felt like he wasn’t “enough.”
He spent all those years projecting his own insecurities onto our relationship. He felt like it was inevitable that I would leave him one day so there was no point in being truly invested. He couldn’t even fully recognize all that I was doing for him because he didn’t feel like he deserved it. He didn’t feel worthy. His attempt to spare his own feelings from getting hurt was what ultimately pushed me away — ain’t that something?
I could’ve walked away feeling defeated and like I wasted so many precious years, but I didn’t. I learned what settling truly looks like, I learned that people often cast their own insecurities onto others and it’s up to us to not let it contaminate our confidence, and I learned that I am more than enough. I fell victim to Mr. Good Guy, but it revealed what was most important to me in a mate. Armed with a heightened sense of self, I moved on and found Mr. Perfect for Me.
Mr. Perfect for Me: A Wedding